Dear ‘Some Guy’: We Deserve Respect

We’ve been over the debate about what genre brings better crowds, and decided that frankly, it’s up to the individual. You can blame genres all you want for what kind of crowd experience you have, but the only people to blame are the people who make the experience bad for others. As individuals in this community it is up to each and every one of us to try to have the best time possible, and to ensure the same for those around us as well. What we’re talking about here is the Respect and Responsibility in PLURR.

Everyone should be respected when attending an event, no matter your gender, race, sexual orientation, ethnicity, religion, financial status, career path, or what you’re wearing. What we want to address today specifically, though, are the terrible things that happen to women in all types of crowds. It has always been a problem, and it’s a problem everywhere from events to the streets. But events are where we go to be free, to be ourselves, and one of many places where we would like to feel safe to do those things.

You see it after almost every massive, and after tons of smaller shows:

“Some guy groped my girlfriend.”

“Some guy came up to me and started grinding all over me and wouldn’t back off.”

“Some guy grabbed me as he was walking through the crowd.”

And these are only a few examples of the same old story we keep on hearing. Even one of our very own DMNW staff members recently had an experience that really messed with her.

“I was walking back from the bathroom trying to find my group, and as I joined the crowd, these three guys cornered me. One stood in my path with his arms crossed, one crouched next to the first on the ground in a wide squat and his arms wide, and a third approached me from behind and started grinding on me and groping me. What was terrifying was that it seemed planned, like this was a set trap that these guys participated in together to violate my space. I got really nervous and mad, pushed the grinder off of me and stepped up to the one in my path and barked ‘Don’t f*** with me’ and he stepped aside.”

Another staffer reported being repeatedly groped by one guy in a mask at an event. He would walk past, grab her, then duck into the crowd and seemingly disappear. When she caught him the third time, he tried to pretend like he was just watching the show and when confronted said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” … What on earth was the goal there?

And yet another DMNW lady recently had someone come up and put his arms around her chest from behind while in a tight crowd. She thought it was her boyfriend so she started to turn toward him only to realize it was some stranger! She pushed him off, he stumbled away, then he came back only to try to do it from the front. He was shooed off by her group, and finally stayed away after two attempts. The interesting part about that one was that it was at an event that was endlessly praised by attendees for its excellent crowd.

In response to incidents like these, and all events where guys think it’s okay to grab a girl’s butt as he passes through the crowd, or to grind up on a stranger because her outfit suggests she’s here for his pleasure, we pen the following letter:

Dear “Some Guy,”

If you’re looking for attention, you got it. If you’re looking to get to know the girl you’re groping without her consent, you’re going about it all wrong. We can’t think of a single love story that starts with, “Well I grabbed her butt while she walked by…” No. Just no.

If you’re not trying to date the girl you choose to grab (still not a good move), then what the hell are you doing? What’s your end game? And where did you learn that that kind of behavior is acceptable? You do not have the right to talk about, let alone touch a woman’s body without her consent.

We know that it’s not every guy in the crowd that needs this talking-to. However, the internet seems particularly saturated with tales of ladies’ space and bodies being violated at events, so this letter seems necessary. If you are one of the offenders, then we have one thing to say to you: Stop.

We imagine that what you hope to gain out of your misled approach is to dance with the lady that has caught your eye. Excellent! Now here’s what that lady would like: for you to ASK her to dance. If you want to grab her body, we recommend that you don’t. Maybe after completing the first step of asking this lady to dance and things intensify, you can ask “is it okay if I…?” Please stop making the assumption that every girl is okay with you grabbing her, and please know that that’s no way to snag a lady.

In short, if you want to dance with or touch a girl in a crowd, show some respect and ask first. Ladies think good manners are attractive, thus gaining you bonus points in the end. We bet this “new” approach will do wonders for your game. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your respect.

Sincerely,

The Ladies of the Crowd

Let this be a friendly reminder that Respect and Responsibility are 40% of PLURR, and are not to be ignored. We want everyone to be able to enjoy their event experiences large and small without worrying that they’ll be groped, grinded on without permission, trapped, or otherwise violated. ALL should be respected, not just the ladies, but this article is for every girl who’s had her butt grabbed in a crowd only to find a sea of people behind her, and no idea who to blame.

What’s the worst crowd experience that you’ve witnessed or experienced?